Does life outside the pub make you feel emasculated and parched? Have you often dreamed of showing up your friends and amassing female interest from the convenience of your own home. Yes?! Well, aren’t you lucky to be alive, because neck nominations (or Neck and Nominate®) are now a thing, apparently. Armed with webcams and phones, drones of excitable youths are recording their drinking prowess for the whole world to see. As everyone in their right mind knows, downing pints is not only a symbol of status, but also an indication of virility and physical prowess: two-fold if the said pint contains actual piss. Let’s take a swift look a standard ‘nommer’, who we would can probably class as rather pedestrian compared to some of his peers.
For those still struggling on the precepts, let’s quickly recap. First, down a pint on camera then (and stay with me now) you nominate another enlightened crony to do the same (preferably with a big shit-eating grin on your face…this may be semantically literal for the fecally-inclined). The cycle continues until everyone either gets bored, dies, or God forbid- ‘pussies out’, an event of such magnitude that its shockwaves would soar through the web reaching as far as Australia; whose countrymen we may thank for bringing us this craze. Then presumably the Australian regulators of the trend will dish out the necessary punishment to the defector nominee and balance shall be restored.
Some critics may surmise that such a game lacks the spectacle and variance to keep our jumping scatter-brains engaged. Oh how wrong they would be. Like all phenomena, neck nominations have evolved swiftly, with enterprising ‘mixolo-gits’ adding a random assortment of unsavory items to their pint in order to bolster their achievement. The timid may choose kitchen standards such as marmite and oxo cubes, whereas the more daring fearlessly use nurofed and chili flakes, and piss. Did I mention the piss? Probably. Anyhow, for our viewing pleasure the nommers are careful to document the process of their additions- a clove of garlic here perhaps, a sprinkling of sawdust there, which collectively displays a level of creative seasoning sure to make Heston Blumenthal proudly blubber behind his designer specs. These mavericks are the adrenaline junkies of the facebook age, who look danger straight in the eye before gulp it down in one; with nothing but a foam-lined glass left behind.
To those who still stubbornly oppose this cultural movement, let us consider the positive effects on participant’s self-esteem and on the general quality of social networking sites. Lads who were previously uncertain about shamelessly broadcasting themselves in front of friends now have the perfect reason to do so, encouraged by the universal motivators that are alcohol and one-upmanship. Genius. During extensive research, this experience of amateur video-making seems truly life-changing. At the start of a video, our novice nommer shows his discomfort being in front of a camera, making shaky, sometimes awkward sentences. Before long though, a light seems to flicker in his eye, as he forget about the camera and begins to narrate his conquest with a clarity and emotional sincerity of the great David Attenborough conveying the plight of an infant penguin.
As a result, the creative catalyst that is the ‘neck nomination’ will surely spark many careers in entertaining and beyond, including the media, television and feasibly stretching to Hollywood acclaim. I predict that in a decades time, whether it be on a broadcasting award stage, or on the red carpet, a future star listen carefully as the announcer begins the ‘best actor nominations’ …and as their name is read they will climb to the stage and stare out past the microphone to a sea of flashing bulbs and cheering fans, only then will they lament on the real nomination that started it all off. The nomination of drinking a pint on the internet, which showed them that the talent they thought they never had, was inside them all along.
Fin…ishit, finish it…